Why I hated writing full-time
For many aspiring authors, the thought of ditching the day job to concentrate on writing is one of the things that keeps them motivated and plugging away. It makes sense - writing is hard work. Mentally draining and often physically uncomfortable too. Trying to cram it around a day job is incredibly tough.
However, I’ve never had that specific goal of being able to write full-time, as I genuinely enjoy doing lots of different types of work (I have a tendency to get bored of things very quickly…).
My simple goal has always been to earn enough from my writing so that I don’t HAVE to do other work alongside it in order to survive.
And last year, I managed it, four years after first getting published.
For the first time ever I earnt enough money from writing novels to pay my bills.
It was, in fact, the most lucrative year I have ever had since I started my very first ‘professional’ job, aged 21 (earning £16,000 per year writing the text for holiday brochures - yes really!).
How did I manage it?
By getting two book deals in the same year.
And perhaps this was the issue.
Perhaps the REAL dream is to be able to earn enough money to live off by publishing just one book a year?
(I’ll update my vision board 😆)
On the one hand, it was brilliant and exciting and amazing to suddenly have a whole new pen-name and two more publishing contracts - one in the UK and one in the US.
On the other, it was stressful and a little bit scary, too. I definitely did not want to give up writing my suspense books, as I genuinely really enjoy writing them and I feel as though I have a growing readership there, and I love working with my suspense publisher.
But getting that extra book deal meant I now had to write two books in one year.
And I had a web design business that was doing really well, that I’d put SO much work into, that I really didn’t want to just give up.
I also have a young child and (sometimes!) a life and I just knew something would have to give in order for me to meet my new novel deadlines.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that the solution I came up with was to pause my web design work for a while.
I stopped blogging and I transferred the work I had booked in across to a few trusted web designer friends.
And then I focused on writing the books.
In the end, I spent just over a year doing nothing but working on my novels.
I was living the ‘full-time writer’ dream!
I had achieved that somehow seemingly unachievable goal of being able to live off my writing alone.
But reader, I’m sorry to tell you that I hated it.
Here’s why…
1 I was under an insane amount of pressure
I actually usually love pressure. I thrive off it and it’s how I get things done.
But when it comes to writing - or at least, coming up with creative ideas - I find pressure can be paralysing.
I had two books to write under contract, and both needed to be delivered within a few months of one another. I was also promoting two other books in the meantime.
It was really stressful.
I know some writers can write three or four books a year, and I’m honestly in absolute awe of them.
While I’m quite speedy at the actual writing part, the inspiration/creativity/getting to know my characters part takes me a long time.
Actually, perhaps ‘time’ is the wrong word. It’s more about having headspace. Being in the right ‘zone’ mentally.
It’s very hard to be creative when you have a 101 things pressing on your time, and you are juggling multiple projects, and your brain is basically completely full.
At one point I was literally working on four different novels, doing different ‘jobs’ for each of them (promoting one, editing another, drafting another etc), and I found it incredibly difficult.
I remember feeling like my brain was an old laptop whose hard drive was too full so it wouldn’t run properly.
I think the exact words I wailed to my partner were: ‘if my brain was a laptop, I would throw it away and get a new one’.
2 I was lonely
I know that probably sounds daft. But one of the things I struggle the most with about being an author is the loneliness.
I’m an introvert and I actually love my own company. But having to write two books in one year meant that I spent an awful lot of time at home, with only my (actual) laptop and my imaginary friends for company.
I didn’t have time to go out and see writer friends as much as I usually would. Those kind of meetings really help keep me sane.
Anytime my daughter was at school I’d be at home alone, writing, stressing about my deadlines.
And although I have tons of writer friends and I’m so grateful for them, I didn’t feel as though I had time to even chat to them about the book I was writing, or bounce ideas off them.
I felt really isolated and stressed, as though I had no one I could turn to who could understand my situation.
I love the fact that when you write all the responsibility for your novels rests with you, but it’s also very isolating.
Sometimes you really wish you had a partner-in-crime who could share the load, or pick up the slack when you’re having an ‘off’ day.
3 I went a little bit mad
The outcome of all this loneliness and stress?
I went a little bit mad. At one point, it - literally - felt as though I couldn’t breathe. As though my lungs weren’t working properly. It was REALLY bizarre, and horrible.
I was so keen to impress my new editors. So keen to deliver a brilliant second book. So keen not to let anyone down.
So keen not to waste the opportunity of landing one of those coveted American book deals.
And yes, it sounds as though I am complaining that my diamond shoes were too tight, but there’s a lot of pressure that comes with getting a ‘big’ book deal.
You have all the responsibility and none of the power (as I talked about before in this blog post →).
You can’t complain because you don’t want to look ungrateful. But there’s nowhere obvious to go to get advice.
There aren’t many articles written on ‘what to do when you’ve got two amazing book deals and you feel as though you can’t cope and your brain is a knackered old laptop fit only for the scrapheap’.
News about my books would come in when we were on family holidays, and if it was good, it would ruin the day by distracting me and taking me away from the here and now, and if it was bad, it would ruin the day by… well, depressing me.
It’s such an all-consuming job, and it’s so difficult to switch off if it’s the ONLY thing you’re doing, and your whole livelihood is depending on it.
It makes you neurotic. I was on the publishing rollercoaster, which I was pretty used to, but suddenly the high bits were even higher, and the low bits were even lower.
4 I missed working collaboratively
I guess this is similar to what I mentioned before about being lonely, but one of the things I love about doing websites is that they are collaborative projects and I get to talk to my amazing web design clients about their books and their own writing journeys.
I absolutely love it. I find it so inspirational and I love hearing more about how they work and what their publishing career so far has been like.
When I was writing full-time, I really, really missed working with and talking to other people.
I don’t think it’s healthy to spend so much of your working day alone!
And I know it’s a silly thing, but I really missed having a reason to wear nice clothes and leave the house and y’know, interact with the real world 😅
5 I missed the satisfaction of short-term wins
The thing I love the most about building author websites is that I can build a brand new, beautiful website for someone in just two weeks.
It’s IMMENSELY satisfying being able to complete a creative project in such a short amount of time, and to know at the end of it that you have made a tangible difference to an author’s career.
Books take a long time to come to fruition y’all.
The second book in my two-book deal is coming out almost TWO YEARS after I started writing it.
For someone (anyone?!) who enjoys a bit of a validation every now and then, it’s a very long time to wait.
6 I burnt out
As you’re probably guessing, the outcome of all this was that I burnt out.
As of writing today, I think I am still a little burnt out. I’ve written eight novels in six years.
I delivered both of the books I had to write by my deadlines. One has been through most of the editing process, while the other is in the middle of it.
So, there’s still work to be done on them both, but the really hard stuff is done, thankfully.
By this point in the process, I would usually be starting work on something new, and while I do have some ideas, I cannot think of anything I want to do less than sit down and start writing a new book!
I even started googling ‘having a year off writing’ again. And I’m genuinely considering it.
I think I need to fall back in love with writing.
I have REALLY enjoyed coming back to web design, and working with clients again.
I’ve also really enjoyed writing this blog. It’s just been so nice to have a change, and also to be working on things that demand less emotional capacity.
Luckily, I still have two books scheduled to come out (one next year, and one the year after) so I can take a little break.
What this past year has taught me
I have realised that writing full-time is not for me.
Writing full-time, without anything else going on, is too all-consuming, anxiety-inducing and comes with too much pressure. And it’s too lonely.
Basically I don’t like having all my eggs in one basket. I’ve had a ‘portfolio’ career for a very long time now, and I think the variety really keeps me sane.
I am a happy multi-hyphenate!
When one job isn’t going so well, I can switch focus to the other, and it takes the pressure off.
I hope this post isn’t too negative, but as you’ve probably realised if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, I feel very passionately about being honest about what it’s like to be a published author.
We are sold it as a ‘dream career’ when I really do believe it comes with many significant challenges.
I absolutely LOVE writing books and I definitely do not want to stop for good! But I also think that writing takes a lot out of you, and it’s important to have other stuff going on your life for perspective, but also to stop you becoming too introspective.
That’s why I am very happy to be doing web design again.
I’ve booked some amazingly exciting clients for 2024 already, and am looking forward to hearing more about their lives and their writing next year.
Hopefully with a little bit of space and time away from the hamster-wheel of writing, I’ll fall back in love with it again.
And so to all my fellow authors out there who are also juggling writing, parenting and another career and trying not to go insane, I salute you!
Hey, I write novels, but I also build websites!
If you’re an author and don’t have one yet (or you have one that’s so awful you never tell people about it!) then check out how I can help →
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